2 steps forward 1 back

Is this thing on?

2009-02-08T12:53:00.004-05:00

*Tap Tap Tap*.....Err....hel..hello.....is this thing on?

Hi. Yeah, it's been a while I know...I've been.......well I've been so many things, but given it's been just over 6 months since my last post, writing hasn't been one of them.

I'm back I think.

i want a do over

2008-08-05T10:25:00.002-04:00

How old is too old to ask for a do over?

I am a strong proponent of learning from one's mistakes and that we are a product of our collective experience, but occasionally, I would love to be able to roll back the clock and restore the game to its exact status before the faulty play was made.

and now a word from our sponsors...

2008-07-30T01:28:00.005-04:00

fuck it
fuck the secret
fuck EQ
fuck the power of now
fuck zen and your little dog satori too
fuck positive energy
fuck it all.

...and now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

when it rains it pours.

2008-07-21T08:10:00.003-04:00

It would seem that I have captured the attention of not one, but two seemingly nice, attractive, eligible men (i am trying to stop calling them boys) from the co-ed baseball team I joined this summer. I totally suck but at least, must look good doing so.

Two men who not only share the same last name (though not DNA thankfully), but who are also rather good friends. Two friends who from the same party across town Friday night, were each messaging me and who are (unless this is a very cruel joke on me), completely unaware of what the other is up to.

I am trying to be careful as I am somewhat of a happy fence sitter and not really sure whose backyard to go play in, but I can only see this ending badly for me and possibly 'accidently' getting a baseball to head this week.

good morning!

2008-07-07T23:23:00.005-04:00

I set my alarm for 5:55.

Not 6:00. 5:55.

Why? Because you see, I've already planned to hit snooze, which on my blackberry pearl, amounts to five more minutes to delay the inevitable.

I do wonder if I'm a freak because I actually plan my oversleeping or if everyone does this.

Which is somewhat more amusing given that I already know that when it buzzes again for 6:00, i'm just going to think 'fuck the run', reset it and roll over till it pisses me off at 6:30. Not 6:25.

they say summer is the worst for criminal activity...

2008-07-05T17:12:00.003-04:00

likely the best weather of what has so far been, a wet grey summer
and i'm stuck inside working
and watching some dude pull into the parking lot in a lovely classic convertible

top up.
windows up.
AC blaring.

bah.

you must be this tall

2008-06-24T22:01:00.002-04:00

i am fairly confident that I am tall enough to ride the coaster
but what I can't be sure of, is whether my nerves can stand those darn loop dee loops.

my secret powers

2008-06-20T21:54:00.004-04:00

it would seem
that every time I have a "relationship", date or a mere fling
that he pretty much ends up finding his wife or soul mate in the next person he meets.

i'm pretty sure i'm a backwards cupid.

another successful arrow finds its mark.

sigh.

2steps forward my ass

2008-04-26T08:08:00.003-04:00

it totally fucking sucks that not eating marshmallows and behaving in a manner that demonstrates total and complete regard for one's self-worth can still end up making one feel utterly unhappy and unworthy. un-everything.

that one is me.

rather unfortunately it seems, sometimes stepping forward can feel just as bad.

lesson (almost) learned.

2008-04-16T12:52:00.005-04:00

One day I will learn my lesson and refrain from divulging my 2stepping ways to people I suspect I may want to write about. Or rather vent about, tease, or use as a punchline. Assuming of course, those I choose to share my inner craziness with remain curious and actually stay tuned.

Stemming from an impulsive, random gin-flavoured kiss goodnight after drinks with a new friend a few weeks ago, I had a potential date brewing.

But as the texting started to lose its momentum and things began to fall off the rails trying to coordinates schedules, my gut started thumping with that 'something's up' feeling.

So yesterday I fb'd the dude to find out whether a spade was in fact a spade and today, not unexpectedly, got a very nice let down of the 'I met someone else' variety.

Oh well. Too bad for me - nice guy, and seemed genuine.

Of course anticipating an outcome such as this, I think rather amusingly (and given the snorts that followed, fairly accurately) commented to my monday night dinner gals -

- "It's sad...I didn't even get the chance to find something wrong with this one."

Year of the Drop

2008-04-10T22:30:00.008-04:00

Drop: initial part of a ride when a surfer stands up and slides down the face of the wave.

To me, this is also known as 'adrenaline alley' or more simply, the part where unabashed fear takes hold and I bail because the wave is way too big or fast. At least I let it be.

It's frustrating. To want to succeed so badly and improve, only to be held back by my own psyche.

So after my last surf trip and as I thought about all the things I talk, dream and think about doing yet never do because of my fear of taking the risk and going for it, I decided this was my year. My year to embrace every opportunity to push myself beyond the fear.

Because if it's like my surfing experiences where I've gotten tossed and churned about, even a bit bruised, I've always come out okay -

- and picked up my board and headed back out to try again.

i'm not dead and I'm funny.

2008-03-26T17:03:00.001-04:00

Yes, i'm alive just rather uninteresting and uninterested in writing about my disinterest.

But I just forwarded a link to my blog to someone and in doing so, spent the last hour re-reading the last few years of my life. I'm a nutbar, but totally endearing and funny.

Payback's a bitch.

2008-01-23T11:56:00.000-05:00

The only saving grace about mixing business with pleasure is that when it does go bad, it's pretty easy to make sure the fucker gets equally screwed in the deal.

how much would this suck?

2008-01-11T14:20:00.000-05:00

Separated at birth, U.K. twins got married.
LONDON – Twins who were separated at birth got married without realizing they were brother and sister, a legislator told the Britain's House of Lords.

the fertile void

2008-01-01T14:30:00.000-05:00

Looking back, as we often do at this time of year, I can see rather clearly, the path I've been for the past few years and can reconfirm, quite wonderfully, I have stopped looking back to the past or craning my neck to see what is over the horizon. Instead, I'm truly embracing this time and space. Though while I love, love, love, the sense of calmness and clarity this journey has created, I've realized that "hanging out in the now" can only get one so far in life. Because we must keep moving forward with momentum and purpose.

Which brings me to my *problem*. It would seem I'm in this sort of "inbetweenness" and lack any sense of real direction. I don't know which way to turn, what doors to open and which ones to close. I'm all talk, no action. Great map reader, terrible explorer.

I've been trying to convince myself (and likely many others) that I'm just enjoying the ride when really, I'm scared shitless. I fear I will never take the bull by the horns and will merely continue to float on by and let life happen to me, rather than happen to it.

The therapist I dragged myself to (all of one time) this past summer, told me she thinks I'm in the Fertile Void, and went on to explain that this is actually a period in one's life where a lot of work gets done.

A space that for all its nothingness, is apparently full of richness where one grows ripe for the picking. I kind of imagine it as a big wide open field, one unmarked by time or man and full of flowers and other lovely things.

A space to ruminate and contemplate what is next. What it is I want, and who it is I want to be. Where I gather the courage to take the risks and fulfill the goals I dream about - career wise, health wise, love wise or otherwise.

So I've decided i'm going to pull off the path and Christopher Columbus my way around this lovely wide open field for a while and see what shakes out.

2008 will be a good year I think.

new math

2007-11-04T22:14:00.001-05:00

Take the # of married romantic interests from the past, present and future
Factor in the fact that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
x that by the power of the explosion of internet based 'social networking' and the ability to track down anyone on the planet.
= likely marriage to my grade six crush.

fucked up.

(author's note: this hasn't happened, it's a hypotheses...but i went less far in science than I did in math so we're going with that angle.)

dream

2007-10-26T09:05:00.000-04:00

last night I dreamt that my bathtub drain backed up and amongst other things, a dead baby elephant came up out of the drain.

anyone?

bah x 2.

2007-10-03T22:12:00.000-04:00

I love it when Partners
from work,
hit on me.
so awesome.

date

2007-09-24T12:00:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I think rather inadvertently and unintentionally, I managed to score myself a date of sorts. Which upon greater reflection, I'm quite okay with.

In my head it was merely an invitation for coffee or a drink drink to continue some interesting conversations from a few weeks ago, which seemed to fall by the wayside due to the sheer ridiculous trajectory of your typical cottage bender. His response and our few email exchanges since, has made me realize that in this day and age and at my age, invitations for beverages between singles of the opposite sex generally have some gray shades well attached.

My last experience with the non-date date generally, turned into quite an interesting adventure, despite its failure to launch much beyond a few enjoyable evenings. Having learned a few more solid life lessons from that blip, I will ensure to review my notes before heading out to see what this whole thing is about.

delete

2007-09-15T09:29:00.000-04:00

fuck i love that key.

yoga

2007-09-07T01:29:00.000-04:00

Having recently embarked on a detox/cleanse to clean house on all that is rotten in the state of Denmark, I've been managing to haul my butt back to yoga class to help facilitate the process.

Whether it is the detox that is causing all sorts of haunting things to float to the surface, or the fact that I seem to be happy as a clam letting my addictions overpower me, I've discovered that yoga practice remains the one place I am safe from myself. It is the one space where I am fully in the moment, focused, grounded and engaged at the task (or pose) at hand.

It's rather enjoyable and a nice break from my currently reality.
Perhaps I need to become a yogi.

hmm.

knarly.

2007-08-30T22:56:00.000-04:00

the cute, impossibly charming, though spelling inept surfer boy is home from down under for a visit next week.

i'm just saying.

A little restraint, please! LOL;)

2007-08-24T12:33:00.000-04:00

I think someone needs to invent a function or tool to 'annoycheck' emails, posts, text messages and the like. This AnnoyCheck function would alert the author to the number of times LOLs - ! - ;) and every other punction mark, emoticon and initialism that exists in our muddled lexicon, has been used.

Because seriously, who laughs out loud that often writing one freaking email?

you can't make this shit up.

2007-08-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

Aroused pet camel smothers woman, 60
An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present after the animal apparently tried to have sex with her...

For me to choose

2007-08-16T07:55:00.000-04:00

Driving home from post-ultimate drinks and a bite to eat with C and her man, I flipped about on the local radio stations to find something to carry me home. As the first notes of REM's "Everybody Hurts" started to play on one, I hopped over to the button next door and recognized U2's "Beautiful Day."

Having felt that a bit of an unshakable grey cloud has been following me around the past few weeks, I had a choice to make.

Choose the song that would wrap around me like a cozy blanket and indulge my melancholy, or choose the one that would let me climb on top of it, giving me a platform to dance, sing or do whatever I felt like.

I decided it was a beautiful day
and so is today.

deal with it already

2007-08-10T07:43:00.000-04:00

finally, they're gone.

after a year or two of avoidance
followed by a year or two of half hearted attempts to treat, cure, resolve and eradicate them by various means (scientific, medical and hocus pocus),
followed by a few months of some major buckling down to get the job done,
I'm pretty confident that I've finally managed to rid myself of them.

And I only have one piece of advice.

Deal with your plantar warts people. soon and head on.
because letting them fester just means harder, more painful work later on
and you just don't know who you might infect along the way.

not worth it

2007-08-02T11:33:00.000-04:00

it's official - no matter how you dice, slice or add to it, cottage cheese still sucks.

took the words outta my mouth

2007-08-01T23:31:00.000-04:00

Listening to the new Tegan and Sara album I've realized what a total lyric junkie I am. I melt at brilliant lines that capture things that in my life, I've felt or said, wished I felt or said or had said to me. I think going forward i'll start to keep note of these little gems...for now, here are a few off of The Con I'm digging.

"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at/Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at"

"I just want back in your head"

Sunset

2007-07-20T14:24:00.001-04:00

Last night while out for a run the sun finally broke free of the dense blanket of clouds, casting a few moments of fiery golden goodness on the city before it slipped quietly below the horizon.

To me, that's when nature's free nightly light show really starts to get good - when the leftover hues - the pinks, yellows, oranges and purples - grow richer and climber higher into the evening sky, leaving a lasting impression long after the sun has bid its goodbye.

Which got me to thinking. It often isn't till we've said our goodbyes that the true impact and value of the connection or experience is felt and understood.

and yet...

2007-07-09T23:30:00.000-04:00

...a girl I knew in Grade 6 (who I believe I went to Wrestlemania with to see the British Bulldogs) just facebooked me. As I perused pictures of her at some air show with her three kids in the back of a mini-van I thought...

thank god I'm not there yet.

not a rant but kinda.

2007-07-08T13:57:00.001-04:00

Saturday night I went to see Top Girls by Caryl Churchill, which can be best described (not by me rather someone more..critical...) as a play that "analyzes the relationship between women and labour at opposite extremes of the possibilities available to working women..."

The opening scene - an up and coming business woman hosting an existential dinner with, among others - a female pope, a Geisha of sorts, the wife of the Marquis and a barbaric female - was rather heady and intense to say the least.

It has caused a great deal of reflection on my experiences and self-perceptions as a woman and generally of those around me. In my circle of brilliant women we:

are VPs, Directors, Managers, Leaders, Business owners and in-demand freelancers.
are the major income earners in our households, and when not, are at least equally compensated.
own our own homes - many, independently.
balance the desire for career fulfillment with that of the desire for growing a family and seem to make both work.

For my generation and the ones that will follow, I believe the line between career-goer vs caregiver though not erased, is sufficiently blurred and will continue to be so.

But for all the ladders I climb, mortgages I assume and babies I might raise (from China, Africa or because of a drunken pact I make with some male friend), I fear I will always feel an inequity amongst my peers - that my position and place in this life will lack true validation or worth until two little two words cease to apply.

Yet and Still.

I'm still single
Haven't yet met the right one.
Haven't met anyone yet.
She's still single
Still single...just hasn't met the right one yet.

These two words imply there is something that needs to be achieved. That something is missing - there's an incompleteness. That the things I am most proud of mean sufficiently less until I find the one I can call my equal.

Not yet anyway.

daydream believer

2007-07-03T16:51:00.001-04:00

if i devoted 1/10th of the energy and mindshare I seemingly dedicate to fanciful daydreaming, toward the achievement of my actual 'real' goals and dreams, i'd likely be much richer - in all cents and sense of the word.

as Queen puts it...

2007-06-27T13:16:00.000-04:00

...another blip bites the dust.

no amusing anecdotes or dating blunders to blame this time around.
boy just didn't dig girl enough for girl's liking.
there's an ounce or two of pride floating around somewhere for recognizing what was what and doing something about it...but also a good few litres of bummed outness.

girl sad.

speaking of litres....wine comes in litres....

Speaking up

2007-06-27T11:39:00.001-04:00

This morning I wrote the Mayor an email.

Walking home last night I was deeply unnerved by the nerve of a store blasting its air conditioning with the doors wide open. This practice is such an unnecessary waste. With front page stories about the strain on the grid and and all of the recent attention on energy conservation, it is very unfortunate that this still happens.

I don't expect much will be done but given I wasn't sure else how to make a difference, I thought it was at least something.

Of course I suppose I could have gone into the store and asked to speak to the manager and politely yet firmly voiced my concern...but that would have been well...hard.

purging

2007-06-26T23:35:00.000-04:00

sometimes cleaning out your inbox and sent mail files can just feel so darn....good.
there is something liberating and exciting about cleaning out the moments that have passed to make room for all the conversations to come.

SMS

2007-06-25T12:37:00.000-04:00

A rather humourous snippet of a text exchange one recent friday evening...

From: 4169535662
Is it crazy stormy where u r

To: 4169535662
No, it's passed....umm, who is this?

From: 4169535662
Oops - hi G - how r u

To: 4169535662
Im good but again, I don't recognize the number....who is this?

From: 4169535662
Lol - its alan

To: Alan
How is it you still have my number when you haven't bothered to dial it in a year?

From: Alan
Lol - guilty - we should get 2together

To: Alan
That my friend would require you asking me out properly.

From: Alan
Plans 2night?

Clams

2007-06-16T11:00:00.000-04:00

Arriving home from a morning ride along the lake and up through some ne'r before explored (at least by yours truly) paths along the Humber, I stopped off to grab a coffee, the paper and the new issue of Vanity Fair.

As I hatched my plan to while a few hours away on my balcony, which after a mini-makeover has become my new favourite room, I thought to myself, "...happy as a clam".

And promptly wondered, what makes clams so happy?

I googled the answer and it now makes a bit more sense.

I thought about explaining it here but realized that those still indulging my 2stepping a) might already know the answer, b) will research it on their own if they are that curious or c) are content to let clams be happy for no other reason than they can be, and recognize that sometimes it's nice to not question the why.

lights out

2007-06-15T19:39:00.000-04:00

Since my high school "Eco Club" days (some might have said Geeko Club since being an envirojunkie in the early 90's wasn't quite as vogue as it is now), I have always held a soft spot for the planet and tried to do my part. Recently, like everyone else it seems, I've tried to work a little harder at 'being green' .

I use cloth tote bags, buy post-consumer recycled kitchen bags, eat local/organic as often as I can, switched light bulbs, limit my use of air conditioning in both car and home, keep my car's maintenance up to snuff, copying two-sided at work and I'm using my bike, legs and public transit more often than hopping in the Civic. And recycling. Always recycling.

So a few weeks ago I ordered a dimmer switch for the halogen lights in my kitchen/dining room. Despite being in a condo and not actually knowing whose consumption i'm paying for, I thought spending a few bucks to help lighten the load would be a nice thing to do.

Today I went to pick it up.

'That will be $107.11'.

At first I thought a $1.07? Awesome..that $3 rebate coupon came in handy.

Ya, that $3 wasn't really doing squat.

The dimmer switch is still at the store....unfortunately, that's just too much green to get green.
I'll just keep the lights off and cook in the dark.

think before you speak..

2007-06-14T13:26:00.000-04:00

...is only helpful advice when one actually knows and understands what thoughts are actually mucking about in said brain and how they all fit together. Otherwise, a jumble of words tend to tumble out, leaving one to figure out what to do with them on the fly. And, more often than not, likely results in the undoing of any level of cool one might have previously developed.

*lightly banging head against desk*

So where do you see yourself in two years?

2007-06-06T20:33:00.001-04:00

Last night over a decadent dinner of all things...well decadent, R (the new blip currently hanging out on my radar) asked me where I saw myself in two years.

I still don't know what my answer is.

So feeling somewhat self-conscious over looking like a lost lamb or flake with no real direction (and failing miserably at such a fundamental interview question), I decided to sit down to write a bit and see what i might stumble upon as a *real* answer.

And it was here I re-read my last post and realized that back then, I didn't have much of a clue where I wanted to be two years out either. But in that time I carved out better places and spaces, ones I didn't know existed, and achieved things that would never have found their way on to any laundry list of goals I would have set for myself.

So...where do I see myself two years from now?

Hopefully, looking back the way I am now and equally content to just enjoy the ride.

Happy Anniversary to me

2007-05-31T12:13:00.000-04:00

I just realized with my last post, that yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of the start of my adventure as 2 step.

And in true sappy anniversary form, i remember it like it was just yesterday. But looking at where i've come from and where i've gone - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and in any other way possible - I'm really freaking glad it wasn't just yesterday.

fuck i'm happy.

cutting the cord.

2007-05-31T11:19:00.000-04:00

I did it. I cut the cord.
I cancelled my cable.
No basic, nuthin'.

As of tomorrow, it is just me and my shadow. No fictional characters to escape with on their islands, in hospitals, while they save the world from terrorists or escape prison.

Now if I can just figure out a way to limit my interweb addiction I might really be on to something. They have 'child-proofing' for computers..how bout 'adult proofing' to reduce the hours of aimless surfing and facebooking? Perhaps an automatic timer that allows a certain amount of internet access per day....

What, self-discipline you say? Bah. Until they find a way to manufacture and put it on a shelf, it just ain't gonna happen.

depotchery

2007-05-04T23:19:00.000-04:00

Atrocious spelling usually makes me cringe -- but when it's in an email from a ridiculously charming surfer boy i made out with (during a depotcherous night of drinking)...it just kinda makes me giggle.

faceblocked

2007-05-04T14:00:00.000-04:00

drat.
work just blocked access to facebook.
hmph.

clinging

2007-04-27T12:22:00.000-04:00

The paper reports today that a 'man hit by train clings to life'. Which made me wonder....is he really 'clinging' when more likely, he was just trying to escape it?

fuck baggage

2007-04-16T23:44:00.000-04:00

seriously. it's stupid heavy. definitely going learn how to pack lighter god damn it.

albeit...

2007-04-01T00:07:00.000-04:00

...slowly...but not taking as many steps back.
and if I do, i'm figuring out how to get the energy moving forward so the falters and stops aren't so long.
that feels good.

winning the marshmallow war

2007-04-01T00:04:00.000-04:00

Your EQ is 127

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

hey...we've all gotta start somewhere.

2007-03-04T21:27:00.001-05:00

I decided today that after about 5 years of weight watching (and by that I mean watching the set of 10lb dumbbells sit on my floor gathering dust) that it was time I started lifting them again (other than to vacuum around them)

After some bicep curling, overhead rowing, lateral raising and bench pressing I decided i'd throw in a few sets up push ups for good measure...

...well one set...

...of two.

SNL...AN

2007-03-04T00:06:00.000-05:00

As I brush my teeth and watch SNL I see on the screen:

An SNL digital short

that's not actually grammatically correct..is it?

tuesdays rock

2007-02-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

Miss J treated us to a special *Monday* night dinner tonight.
Susur took fine fine care of us
A six course tasting menu (accompanied by what I think was also a six course wine flight) kept us company while we chatted about all sorts of things.
And I set up a date for next Wednesday with the boy i met on Saturday.
Days of the week have a way of happening don't they?

Okay, bedtime I think.

love is in the cookie

2007-02-08T17:31:00.000-05:00

So i have a little biz I run, more for fun than for the $$ which involves me putting customized messages into little folded cookies and wrapping them up with pretty bows and such.

It's valentines day soon so i'm getting lots of orders for over sized cookies with over sized feelings in them:

"A hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for you".

"We have been through a lot more than I can imagine, but my love for you has only gotten stronger. With love and patience, nothing is impossible. I know we are meant for each other …"

"I Know this is true love. A True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending."

"The day you came into my life will be cherished always in my heart. An angel sent from heaven above for me to hold. My heart is no longer lonely, but instead filled with the wonder of a love like I’ve never known"

"For I will cherish each day that gives me with you, I will never let you go. I love you always"

And while I roll my eyes and think "blagh"...really, i just wonder what it actually feels like to have all those types of feelings barreling around inside you. It's been a while. If ever. Maybe that PhD dude was on to something....

PhD in shut the hell up.

2007-01-31T09:16:00.000-05:00

According to a Calgary professor, people who blog are lonely, isolated outcasts who are unable to form real relationships with people.

perspicacity

2007-01-23T18:31:00.000-05:00

perspicacity \pur-spuh-KAS-uh-tee\, noun:
Clearness of understanding or insight; penetration, discernment.

Miss J (or is that Mrs now?) emailed me my horoscope for the year ahead and I loved every single thing it said that would happen or rather, that I would make happen. And apparently as a Capricorn I will:

"just see a great opportunity arise in front of me and I'll know that this is one I have to seize. That all I need to be aware of is that, when it first presents itself, it may just wear the guise of a problem. That Opportunities often do this, and that it stops them from being seized by the wrong people... and ensures that they make their way to the person with perspicacity to recognize them".

Now I just need get some perspicacity into how to pronounce it and I'm all set.

Bandwagon tailgater

2007-01-21T22:20:00.000-05:00

WHOOP WHOOP
Colts are going to the Superbowl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

unexpect the spected

2007-01-15T23:46:00.000-05:00

it's funny how sometimes you don't realize that you have expectations until the thing you were expecting doesn't happen.

A totally inconvenient truth

2007-01-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

Having purchased a really cute snowboard outfit, season pass and top o the line (yet fabulously on sale) snowboard package in the fall (and in that really backwards order no less), it kinda sucks that this is the state of the snowboard world as we know it.

mmm..mmm...good

2007-01-03T20:39:00.000-05:00

I just made a big batch of vegetable soup from a recipe off the net (I ad-libbed a little) and it tastes exactly like a bowl of Campbell's vegetable soup from the can.

This probably isn't a ringing endorsement but i'm pretty fucking proud.

Of course it could just be the gin martini i consumed while cooking it that has gotten me so excited but whatever. I'm two bowls in and going for my third. So much for my January cleanse.

Two Steps' Campbell Veggie Soup wannabe:

1/2 head red cabbage chopped
1 can whole tomatoes (fine herbs and spices kind) chopped
1 large red pepper chopped
1 zucchini chopped
1 large red onion chopped
1 small cooking onion chopped
1 package onion soup mix
sprinkle of beef stock powder
2 cloves garlic chopped
8 whole peppercorns
1/4 cup barley but could have used more
1 can black beans
handful of baby spinach
1 bay leaf

Combine all ingredients in large pot (except spinach)
Pour in enough water to cover by 1 inch (the stuff all floats so just guess)
Bring to boil
Reduce, cover and simmer 90 min
Add spinach just before serving
Add salt/pepper to taste

To serve, pour in big bowl and crush nabisco saltines into it till content.

Guilty as charged

2006-12-20T10:52:00.000-05:00

The fact that my 'afflictions' now have actual names is a bit frightening.

PARIS (AFP) - The Internet has given birth to a quirky range of modern addictions and maladies, the British weekly New Scientist says in its Christmas issue published this Saturday.

EGO-SURFING: When you frequently check your name and reputation on the Internet.

BLOG STREAKING: "Revealing secrets or personal information online which for everybody's sake would be best kept private."

CRACKBERRY: "The curse of the modern executive: not being able to stop checking your BlackBerry, even at your grandmother's funeral." (A BlackBerry is a popular handheld device that can be used for phoning, emailing and web-browsing).

GOOGLE-STALKING: Defined as "snooping online on old friends, colleagues or first dates."

CYBERCHONDRIA: "A headache and a particular rash at the same time? Extensive online research tells you it must be cancer."

PHOTOLURKING: Flicking through a photo album of someone you've never met.

CHEESEPODDING: Downloading of a song "so cheesy that you could cover it in plastic wrap and sell it at the deli counter." Cheesepodders are especially vulnerable to soft-rock favourites from the 1970s.

Over-vite

2006-12-19T16:53:00.000-05:00

As a born and raised organizer/planner it kills me to say this but...
I am a little over this whole Evite thing.

a different kind of science

2006-12-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

Over the last year i've been rather intrigued by quantum theology/quantum physics. Last night I went to a viewing of "The Secret" which tends to fall in that realm of thinking and is a film that focuses on something called the Law of Attraction.

The Law of Attraction states, in a nutshell, like attracts like. In other words, we are like a walking magnet that draws to us anyone or anything that is on the same wavelength. If you’re radiating positive energy, you attract positive people and experiences. If you’re radiating negative energy, you attract negativity .

I found the film completely energizing and tiring at the same time. Simply put, the secret is about being positive and focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want. The how of getting what you want is simply left up to the universe but apparently it seems to work.

so, if i want a million dollars, i think, feel and act like i have or will have the dough and in some way, at some point it will happen.

again, something so simple in theory but so fucking hard to practice. oops. there's that negative thing i seem to have going on. well my friends, not anymore. not anymore.

amusing muses

2006-12-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

Driving home from catching up with surfer-C over dinner and winter boot purchasing, I heard a song on the radio that likely won't ever be going on my ipod.

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you...
...girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

I pity both the angel and the girl in the next room for ever sleeping with the man who wrote it. Not because of his jerkish nature...it's really just a god awful song.

2006-11-28T10:28:00.000-05:00

these waves are kicking my pasty white ass.

on a positive note, i have met a nice couple who have introduced me to the joy of kicking back in the evening, drinking a few beers and making shell art.

everyone from home will be getting very special christmas tree ornaments.

i also have managed to attract the attention of a 23 yr old military boy who has been to Iraq 2 times so far and likes his 'job' because he has his own air conditioned trailer, an xbox, good supply of booze and every now and then he gets 'the call', jumps in a helicopter, goes to some house, kicks the door in and...well..I can just guess. then he's back at his xbox to pick up where he left off within the hour. yay war.

gut

2006-11-25T00:41:00.000-05:00

Lately, there have been a few decisions, in both my professional and personal life where for some reason, i've had a gut reaction or feeling about something...and ignored it. Ignored it because I had no proof or back up to what I was thinking/feeling. turns out I should have followed it but didn't.

Didn't because since the agonizing days of essay writing at uni, to the reports and recommendations I have to make about strategies at work, I've always had to back up my opinions with solid, provable reasons. I've learned that to convince someone of something, you need to provide three points as to your position and that, in most cases, will do the trick in getting your way.

I leave for Costa Rica tomorrow for another attempt at finding my inner surfchick.
perhaps it's because despite being an uber planner, i've had no time to actually plan this trip other than booking my flight. because it's 12:30 AM and I leave at 7 am and have only somewhat finished packing. because I think i know the town I want to go to when I get there but haven't booked my internal flight to get there. because I have no idea where im staying once I finally arrive.

it could be that stuff.
once a planner always a planner i think.
but there's something else niggly. and to simply say, i feel weird and don't think I should go sounds and feels silly dumb.

so im going
and if it all goes horribly wrong, well...i told myself so.

Progressive Conservatives my ass.

2006-11-21T09:50:00.000-05:00

So the Tories are planning to propose tax cuts for couples - allowing the happily marrieds to pool their salaries to reduce their tax burden. How nice for them. Registries, fancy dress parties and someone to go to home depot with on Saturdays...it's not enough couples get all that, but now promising to love till *death do you part* also means you have to fork over less to the feds?

I've been thinking lately that really, marriage ends up being one of two things - a label if you let it - a foundation if you want it. And the more I see the *benefits* of this so called institution, the more I get terribly confused by the whole fucking thing.

ps. this is in no way a slight to a miss J who got hitched on the weekend - i'm just hating my singleness at the moment and Harper is not helping matters.

crap.

2006-11-17T16:47:00.000-05:00

my director today informed me that he has put in a request to our IT dept for a crackberry for me.

fuck.

i am now one of *those* people.

the power of the beat box & live loop

2006-11-09T13:32:00.000-05:00

Last night I probably went to the best concert of my life - in what admittedly is a rather sad history of concert going. For the most part, I finally realized, I find them a let down. Boring. Nothing more than a mirror sound image of the artist or group's latest album which tends to end up acting as a soundtrack as my mind wanders to everywhere but the stage.

But the Imogen Heap gig at Massey Hall (with stellar opening acts - Kid Beyond & Levi Weaver wasn't a typical concert - it was a show in the true sense of the word, one that was created moment by moment, culminating in a total aural/visual experience that completely blew my mind.

the one

2006-11-06T23:28:00.000-05:00

tonight at girls' monday night dinner we raided J's closet and all found dresses to wear to her fete. it will be J's army of couture in full effect.

somewhere in that closet of heaven I also found the one. my wedding dress. It was her party dress take one, a purchase from a few years past when she and the C-man were in a different space. lulcky for me take one has been usurped by her now *perfect* match.

now I have to find a man I love just as much.
okay fine.
love more.
this poses a challenge.

Night of Dread

2006-10-27T15:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend in Dufferin Grove Park, a very unique space in Toronto with a vibrant community and personality all of its own, there will be a Night of Dread parade where participants are invited to dress up as what 'fears you most' to 'parade it, mock it and dance it'.

As I drove to work, I pondered how I might visually intepret some of my greatest fears.

...never finding true love or perhaps just real and meaningful love.
...leaving this world with regrets
...the day when I become the caregiver to my parents
...public speaking
...not following my dreams
...never figuring out what my contribution to this world was meant to be
...failing to take chances
...drowning
... not being able to dance with my dad on my wedding day, either because he isn't there or because that day never comes
...the adrenaline overload I experience popping up on a surfboard or trying to initiate that damn toeside to heelside turn on a snowboard

Not that i'm going to this parade of weirdness, but if I did, maybe i'd just dress up like a great big cockroach instead.

Careful what you wish for

2006-10-23T22:48:00.000-04:00

As a bit of a restless soul (job hopper for the less romantic) I've generally been the type to meander and fall into things, rather than move with purpose through life.

It would seem that anytime I've set out with some said purpose, I seem to be end up at my most miserable.

Currently I am not that restless, not that miserable, but still seem to enjoy imagining myself wandering down a myriad of different paths, for I've realized, the grass will forever look greener on the other side.

A recent tiny bout of career fidgeting lead me to investigate the possibility of a"secondment" opportunity - basically a foreign exchange for adults. I go pretend to work in another country for a period of time and someone comes here to play about in my life.

I found out today our London office is interested. My boss is supportive. I probably, most likely, will actually now have to go.

Priorities

2006-10-17T09:05:00.000-04:00

Finding that it is becoming increasingly more difficult to make it to a spinning class after work, this morning I was all set to go to a 6:30 one.

I suppose it was more of a case of my alarm being set rather than me. I am pretty sure that deep down I actually had no intention at all of hauling my ass out of bed. I mean really, what good can come of exercise at that ungodly hour?

Increased metabolism throughout the day?
More energy?
A free and clear schedule to do a myriad of other things I want to get done?

Yes...perhaps those things.

he made me buy my own balls

2006-10-08T20:41:00.000-04:00

tonight i went on a second date. i think i knew on the first date it wasn't going to go anywhere, but given we had a mutual friend, i thought it best I investigate a bit further rather than tossing him to the curb - which I seem to do more frequently than not.

The number of unsuccessful matches over the past year or so is not lost on me. I do know that I either have unachievably high standards or likely perhaps, some sort of mental block against nice, cute, intelligent, normal, available men. I see my friend E tapping her nose and pointing at me over the admission of the latter.

anyway, it's 8:30 (PM) and i'm home from my date which started at 4:30 at the driving range, at which, he made me pay for my own balls.

and dinner

and oh, drinks and dinner on the first date too.

I am all for going dutch or trading off and I don't expect the man to pay for everything, but not once, on either date did he at all offer to get the bill. Not even the typical "you get it the next time" which if I actually do have a 'next time', gladly keep my end of the bargain.

Of course if I was interested in him, this all might not have bothered me that much...but given I ALSO WALKED HIM HOME...it really does.

uncle nutbar

2006-10-02T15:44:00.000-04:00

My dad's side of the family has always been a bit peculiar. A recent email from my uncle Brian exemplifies this peculiarity to the nth degree....

PENNY’S PROGRESS - Updated after Addenbrooke’s visit on 27th Sept 2006.

Since the 22nd Aug 06 appointment with Dr Clatworthy (works in Dr Pritchard’s clinic), an all day appointment (0800hrs until 20.00hrs) was booked for 1st Sept 06 for more blood tests, a scan and a biopsy. On that day scan revealed no physical abnormality (blockages, stones etc). Biopsy done at 1400hrs (had to take two samples a first was not successful).

27th Sept 06, 1530hrs appointment, doctor stated that the result from the biopsy was that medication had caused the kidney malfunction. Cannot qualify which drug it was that caused the problem. Dr asked for another blood sample and has booked another appointment for one month’s time in case. Meanwhile Addenbrooke’s will write to our GP (copy us the letter), which should state what has happened. If blood levels are OK, the one-month’s time appointment will be cancelled.

In summary she is feeling a lot better than she was which confirms what the blood levels have indicated.

Compiled by BC

low tide

2006-09-28T18:27:00.000-04:00

i know i know, post something already so you have lunchtime/breaktime/worktime entertainment but i have nothing right now. end of summer blues? who knows but even light feels heavy right now.

greatest.thing.ever.

2006-09-18T15:13:00.000-04:00

visiting a friend's blog, i discovered www.meez.com

try it. you'll be hooked. it's like your very own personalized barbie (or ken) doll.

love at first sight

2006-09-18T12:05:00.000-04:00

Wandering in Trinity-Bellwoods Park on Saturday afternoon at an art show, I fell in love. Well, the kind of love that is actually more lustful than anything else.

The "I have to have you because we are meant to be together and i will die if anyone else gets to have you" kind of lust. I actually left the park with tears welling in my eyes.

The object of my current infatuation is an abstract painting by a local artist. I can honestly say I yearn for this piece as much, if not more than I have yearned for any man, bowl of ice cream or new frock. Unlike my long history of loving men (or ice cream or new frocks), I typically walk away stressed after visiting galleries or shows because I just didn't get *it*. I've never been able to see what others saw (or what the artist saw/meant) and didn't understand why they think someone would actually pay 2K for something that resembles the petrified lime that has been in the back of my fridge for four months.

But something clicked this weekend, or at least with this artist and her work. I see myself in this piece, I see my energy and spirit reflected back at me. I see my dreams.

See, I told you I was loopy in love.

The artist is coming over on saturday to see my place and to talk about painting me a smaller custom piece that fits both my space and pocketbook. Who am i kidding, it will never fit my pocketbook but this is true love and who can put a price on that??

And is it wrong that I'm more excited about my meeting with her than I am about the date I have on Tuesday?

Another reason why eating marshmallows is dangerous to your health

2006-09-13T16:21:00.000-04:00

Woman critical, chokes on marshmallow
Sep. 13, 2006. CANADIAN PRESS

LONDON, Ont. — A 32-year-old woman was in critical condition today after choking during a marshmallow-eating contest at the city's Western Fair, the London Free Press and London radio stations reported today....The unidentified woman was taking part in the Chubby Bunny contest, in which contestants stuff as many marshmallows as they can into their mouths.
EMS duty manager Al Hunt said the woman had no vital signs when paramedics arrived at the fairgrounds. He said she was revived at hospital and was in critical condition.

I have indulged in my fair share of these 'chubby bunny' contests, usually around a campfire when the roasting of the mallows gets boring. The gist of the contest is to see how many pillows of sugary goodness you can work into your mouth while still saying coherently "I love chubby bunnies". Admittedly, probably not the smartest thing we could do given we're also usually loaded and high as kites.... but i guess this is just all the more reason to not eat the marshmallow, proverbially or otherwise.

daddy matchmaker

2006-09-08T14:21:00.000-04:00

Dad just sent me the following email:

"A guy in my group at work will be on TV over the weekend. If you can, watch this. Not only will it be informative, but Rado:

is a very smart guy
has a great sense of humour
is an incredibly nice guy
earns a very good wage and could support the woman of his dreams"

presented in concise bullets no less.

My parents have been fairly good at not hounding me too often about the fact that their eldest child and only daughter shows no signs of a) bringing home the man of *their* dreams or b) coughing up a grandbaby anytime soon - but I'm beginning to worry the tides are changing.

sigh.

Spike 03/09/06 - 05/09/06

2006-09-05T09:04:00.000-04:00

Got a new fish on Sunday.
He woke up dead this morning.
Not much more to say,
other than I give up.

Buddy 25/07/05 - 1/09/06

2006-09-01T08:32:00.000-04:00

He didn't pull through.

After a week of consulting condescending pet store clerks and traveling the information superhighway, my dear Siamese fighting fish succumbed. To what I don't know, which is the part that bugs me most.

From floating sideways to repetitively blowing and eating the same bubble, I was stumped. If I was just a tad more crazy I might investigate the option of a fish autopsy because I think whenever inexplicable things happen, you want answers. The why....and I think mainly to quiet nagging thoughts of, was it my fault? What did I do wrong? What more could I have done?

I take comfort in the fact that I did give it my all. You spend an hour trying to force feed a fish mushy peas. Not an easy task my friend.

signs.

2006-08-28T16:16:00.000-04:00

he had a tattoo of a compass.

mine is a kanji that means "to seek".

somewhat amusing
when i think of how lost and unsure he is of his direction,
while I feel like I have found something I've been looking for,
but ultimately is not mine to keep.

if my life were a movie

2006-08-26T14:58:00.000-04:00

Perfect in its total imperfection, I experienced my very own 'before sunrise' type night last night. It's hard to believe there might be a sequel so I think I'll just be content to let life play out and see how my story actually unfolds.

yep

2006-08-23T01:03:00.000-04:00

my regular monday night dindin with the ladies happened on tuesday this week.
once again, we meandered through a bunch of wine and a tonne more chat about what's good for us, career junk, what we *need*, cute boys married to 20 yr olds in Australia and my rather unfortunate falling off of the E-wagon. For those not in the loop..sorry, you'll never be. Just know i'm back in virtual AA. no, i'm not an alcoholic or drug addict...my addictions manifest elsewhere it seems.

i truly am not sure how i made it so long in my last relationship or life in general without these chicks to bounce stuff off of...but i vow never ever again to underestimate girl energy and the immense benefit having them in my life is.... that sentence didn't make sense but it's late. i just got home and i'm way too tipsy for work tomorrow. though T was waaay drunker. pointy fingers drunk. have a fun day..sucka.

love you ladies.

amusing...to me anyway.

2006-08-11T11:18:00.000-04:00

Once again, I remain ever so amused as I indulge my morbid fascination and come across an obit like this one...

...Passed away unexpectedly on August 4, 2006 in her 94th year.

Unexpectedly? At 94? Really?

semantic antics

2006-08-10T16:43:00.000-04:00

This morning, the trusty elevator tv that amuses me with news tidbits, stock quotes i don't understand and 'the word of the day' on my otherwise understimulating trip to the 33rd floor, rudely informed me that i'm a moron.

Today's word of the day was "Gloze", meaning: To minimize or underplay.

Well for all *intensive purposes*, I think i'll just *gloss* over that like i've always done....

I'm a superstar

2006-08-09T21:49:00.000-04:00

Driving home from ultimate (after a particularly fun game in which i was a total rockstar), coasting down the DVP while getting my Love Inc on, I realized something.

I'm happy.

Not because of a boy
Not because of a new job
Not because of a planned trip
Not because i'm out of debt or some how won the lottery without playing
Not for any reason in particular, other than the mere fact that i think i'm starting to figure this whole *living* thing out.

emotional anorexia.

2006-07-29T00:30:00.000-04:00

i will not eat the marshmallow.

this folks, is likely the only time that exterting total obsessive control over what you let yourself consume is actually 100% good for you.

simple math

2006-07-28T08:30:00.000-04:00

patio hopping with cute boy + knee-weakening kissing at the door = buzz buzz buzz.

what's in a name?

2006-07-27T14:05:00.000-04:00

So doing what i seem to do best....surf the net on company time...I googled myself as i periodically do to see what the "me's" of the world are up to. I already know i'm a world class highland dancer in England and a journalist in Ottawa but this time Wikipedia kindly popped up giving me a definition of what i am, or at least, what my first name means.

"An asexual budlike propagule as in liverworts, capable of developing into a new individual; a bud."

And now doing what i do second best at work, blogging on company time, I have to say at first i was aghast. Here I was hoping my name meant something fun like 'bright morning star' or 'saint of chocolate and wine' and instead i got 'a morphing asexual'.

I can embrace the morph, it fits with my current philosophy as of late, but i completely contest the asexual reference.

My kernel will pop....just watch me

2006-07-20T19:01:00.000-04:00

Perusing this week's issue of NOW , I delved into the cover story, an interview with Kevin Smith who is on a press junket to talk about Clerks II...where we find Bill & Ted or whoever those two stoner dudes were, now in their 30's, still behind a counter.

In the article, Kev talks about the impetus for the sequel:

"Our generation seems to be one that wants to play by our own rules. We'll find our dream jobs, and until then we'll work at these shit jobs". What happens, though, if you don't find that dream job? It totally worked out for me, but I realize that I'm more lucky than talented. Luck and timing made Clerks what it was. But there are so many people – some of my friends included – who are waiting for their ship to come in.

It's like popcorn. Sometimes it pops and sometimes it just sits at the bottom of the bag."

Oh i'll pop..because if I can't eat the marshmallows, i definitely better be making some popcorn.

Mondays

2006-07-17T23:28:00.000-04:00

I love mondays.
Hate sundays because I know monday is coming..but love mondays.
Mondays are the days I get together for dinner with my ladies. A standing date that when missed, is missed dearly.
The food is always good but the shared chat, laughs and on few occasions, tears, and are always better.
tonight was my turn to host.
5 bottles of vino later (it's the summer, we're allowed), T, said she was sorry we left so many dishes.
As one who hates chores and leaves unfolded laundry for more than a week, I never seem to mind on Mondays. The girls leave and I crank up my ipod/bose combo and emotionally *surf* on the high I always seem to get after hanging with these fine ladies.

so now, as Madonna and I rock out, I'll finish cleaning, then proceed to stay up too late researching the Winnebago we all drunkenly agreed to rent and head to Texas in.
Beaded shirts and all.

lunchtime

2006-07-05T11:31:00.000-04:00

last night I made my lunch - a feat unto itself given I'm typically running out the door shoving two slices of bread in my bag and wondering what creative things I will do with that come lunch hour.

today's lunch does consist of a sandwich, but no ordinary sandwich my friend.

today I have a two wholegrain slices lovingly slathered with a homemade spicy avacodo mayo, topped with grilled chicken, baby spinach and triple cream brie.

Oh yeah, who's your daddy.

though perhaps i should say it's "brunchtime" given it's 11:30 am and i've just powered through 1/2 of the sandwich and trying in vain not to scarf down the half...........

too late.

I'm going to hell I'm sure.

2006-06-27T14:52:00.000-04:00

In the interweb dating world you come across some strange characters.
Today I was emailed by "cr2nv" who told me that I sounded great but unfortunately I wasn't religious. I wasn't sure if this guy was for real or just trying out a new opening line so I checked out his profile and other than stating he was catholic and liked reading, he also said he liked to be home by 10. I felt the need to respond something witty to suss this kid out.

To: Biblethumper
From: Me
---------------------------------------
..and unfortunately you like to be home by 10 PM. Given I tend to generally head out for fun after the streetlights come on, that just wouldn't jive;)

To: Me
From: Biblethumper
-----------------------------------
Wake up, little Susie, wake up…….(I'll save you the reading…he basically proceeds to write out the entire lyrics….)…………...
It's pretty hard to argue with one of the greats like the Everly Brothers!
Well said guys!
Have a nice day!

To: Biblethumper
From: Me
-------------------------------------------------
You are one strange duck my friend.
What exactly are the Everly Brothers arguing there?

To: Me
From: Biblethumper
----------------------------------------
Being home by 10:00 pm.
That was when society (in general) had morals and values and young adults were fairly responsible. Now, society has gone to "hell in a handbasket" as they say.
Case in point, look at the murders, rapes, pornography etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. now compared to the 50's.
Enough said.
Have fun staying out late and being cool!

To Biblethumper
From: Really irritated me
----------------------------------------
hey. don't judge me.
my guess is you are also the type who is waiting for marriage before embarking on any sort of sexual relations. Given i prefer to put out on the 3rd date or thereafter i'm sure that just probably makes your head want to explode.
yes. enough said indeed.

That pretty much put an end to our correspondance. And yes people, because I know you thought it when I wrote it, I did likely perform yet another sin and LIED....because
who are we kidding - I generally seem to put out on the first date.

ideas

2006-06-27T00:16:00.000-04:00

tonight was a night full of ideas.

going to spin class after work...good idea.

rollerblading to J's for monday night girls dinner after spin...really good idea.

rollerblading for the first time after 3 yrs and thru Chinatown and STILL not knowing how to stop....risky idea.

rollerblading without helmet, wristguards, elbow guards or knee guards...apparently an even worse idea in J & E's books.

having a brilliant evening talking about anything and everything and watching mum and baby raccoons wait for us to vacate...great idea

considering blading home after copious amounts of wine...self admitted bad idea

taking the streetcar and listening to Imogen Heap and pondering about life....good idea

stop fucking blogging and get to bed...BEST IDEA EVER

this is where the step back comes in...

2006-06-20T22:50:00.001-04:00

Today it was bugging me way more than usual thinking about the fact that I left ex-C a message a month ago and he still hadn't called back.

generally i shrug my shoulders and tell myself so what..his level of interest in what i have to say and his level of respect for returning a call in a decent and polite span of time obviously is lacking.

so eating the marshmallow, I called to call him on it. he profusely apologized, as one does when trapped and said that he thought about it every day when he drove by my place. well isn't that nice.

we chatted briefly yet of nothing of importance or interest - i asked him if i should let him go as i was just really calling to ball him out and now that i'd done it i could hang up. he said yeah, he was still at work and prefered to talk over a drink than on the phone and what was i doing later?

I've been feeling rock steady as of late - about me, life, boys.
Rock fucking steady.
So I said okay. he had some laundry to do but would call me after.

i went to spinning, played with pictures on the computer, did some of my own laundry, blogged. did my hair. waited.

he called. chit chat.
"whatcha doing?"
"how was laundry"
"I didn't end up getting to the laundry. J stopped by and we ended up having a bbq and he just left......and P came over after work"....

pause. it takes me a few seconds before the subtext sinks in.
P= girlfriend. P is likely still there. we arent going for a drink.

"oh - i should let you go then"
"yeah, but do you still want to get together for a drink - next week?"
"sure"
"I'll call you"
"sure"

I don't know why but that just all felt really gross.
so here we go with that damn step back.

advice

2006-06-20T21:12:00.000-04:00

this past weekend at R & C's wicked fun wedding, R's sweet yet terribly bearish father gave me some advice.

after asking me where i wanted to be in five years...why i wasn't hooked up...and did I want kids, he said that if i wanted kids, i should do it soon.

That wasn't the advice.

His advice was that it was okay to settle. That I should settle. That 80% was good enough because you could always do it again - but if you want kids, well, there's a window.

I'm not sure what upset me so much about that little pearl of wisdom. That he believed it...or that one day I might realize he was right.

pierced.

2006-06-11T21:00:00.000-04:00

You know how you can build up this idea of how something you buy is going to make you feel once you wear it, drive it, live in it or whatever therapeutic consumptive role it is meant to play?

Last week i finally got up the gumption to get my nose pierced.

I'm not quite sure how i feel about.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike it...yet it hasn't live up to the fantasy i had of how new or different it was going to make me feel. Given i've been thinking about doing this for a year, i've had a lot of time to solidify this ideal.

It's quite small but i've seen smaller studs. I think once i've *patiently* waited out the 4-6 weeks for the piercing to heal, I will get the *perfect* nose ring...

...and by perfect i mean the one that will most definitely *fulfill* all of my ideals about what getting it pierced was suppose to solve/resolve or bolster;)

Point, Aim, Shoot

2006-06-05T22:38:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to kickstart my inner "shutterbug" for the past little while - click here if interested in seeing some of my stuff.

weird.

2006-06-05T19:47:00.000-04:00

On my way home from work i stopped to get gas. 102.3 per litre. not weird, just annoying.

By the pump, a six-pack of bottled water was being advertised for $2.99 . Still not the weird part.

The weird part was the small starburst-y type graphic-y thing you often see on print ads that contains that oh so crucial and vital *Unique Selling Proposition* or special feature..you know, like "Fat Free" or "Doctor Recommended". This USP?

"Now, with Ozone Included"

Perhaps this is a good and healthy thing..like that whole Atkins craze was ..but what struck me as weird was, if they have figured out how to put it in a bottle to drink, shouldn't they have figured out a way by now to ship that shit back up to the outer atmosphere to patch up those fricken hurricane inducing, cancer causing, ice cap melting holes?

what the fuck

2006-05-28T16:42:00.000-04:00

Last week one of the spinning instructors at my spinning gym - a fit avid cyclist and phD student, died of a heart attack. while teaching a class. he was 28.

seriously - what the fuck.